I am … anxious

I am anxious. I admit it.

There it is for all the world to see. Anxiety is awful. It robs you from what you should be happy for, celebrating for, enjoying…when your mind immediately leaps to the worst-case-scenario it’s absolutely downright awful.

Anxiety hurts.

This weekend, when everything seemed to be going haywire thanks to Theo’s strep I was ready to blame autism for the five days of uncertainty and meltdowns. And, yes, while autism did not play nice this weekend, anxiety sapped the life out of me. Gone. Goodbye. Stress had taken over.

On day five of this strep diagnosis, when Theo was better but not quite himself and running through the house like a bull in a china shop, it was Olena with an innocent comment about how coloring is “hard” — that pushed me right over the edge.

I had to leave my seat and barricade myself in the bathroom. Gasping for air. How can coloring be hard? Why does autism suck the life out of everyone?? And in between gasps I saw it…

The look in the mirror was someone I did not recognize.

Anxiety you dirty b*tch robbing me of my smile. My laughter. And, at this particular moment, an even breath. Hot tears streaming down my face and I thought what the hell am I doing?

Anxiety.

I have grinded my teeth at night for years because of anxiety. (So bad at times I couldn’t eat in the morning.)

I have always worried about not fitting in.

I was always doing something, yet I never felt as if it was enough.

But here I am in the bathroom looking back at the tears streaming down my face and FINALLY at 42 years it hit me….

You

are

enough.

I am enough.

I am enough but I am anxious.

I am anxious.

I am anxious, but I am working on it.

And that is a step in the right direction.

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9 thoughts on “I am … anxious

  1. Lex

    Take it from someone who knows anxiety intimately……
    You experience anxiety.
    You are NOT anxiety…it is not you. It’s a part of your life you can gain control over, sometimes better than others….do NOT believe it defines you…..you are so much more than your anxiety.

    Took me most of my life to realize and internalize this truth….and I’m still learning.

    Love to you…..

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  2. I can relate Mama so much!!! It’s like you took a walk inside my head. This is what my life has become anxiety ridden, living with children on the spectrum and feeling so inadequate to handle it all. My own vulnerability scares the hell out of me. Thank you for writing this very honest heartfelt post. I feel you, I hear you, I’m with you in spirit. ❤️

    • Thank you. I know we are not alone… And that makes it better. And I am working on getting a handle on things. The old me would have never had walked away, nor would I have addressed it.

      • Yes that’s the best thing about losing the super Mom cape we realize we’re all struggling, and just trying to raise productive members of society. At least that’s what my Dad always told me was the goal of parenting. 😉 I’m working on my anxiety too and I’m supporting you from afar. 😊

  3. Thankfully I can’t relate but I definitely had anxiety moments and I can’t even imagine how tough living with it must be 😦 Big hugs from me and take it one step at a time!

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