We all hold keys

I have been dreading addressing the girls’ questions about the future. I know at least one (Olena) was very serious… the other, well, not as much. She instead was focused on trying to be funny. A bit like her mother…

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition…. She (Gretchen) saw this Monty Python skit once. Once. Now she uses it for everything.

“If I’m funny or make a joke, no one will be concerned with my feelings? Aint that right anxiety?” mom

At 13 on the verge of 14, combined with the onslaught of hormones, life here very interesting to say the least…and has brought up a lot of frustration.

COVID aside — our lives with severe autism is all my girls know. The having to roll up to a family event in two cars, having a therapist attend a party to help prevent major meltdowns, having to rush into a store to get things that only Theo needs and get out, him wearing a soft helmet and sitting in the middle of the aisle…

It’s imperfectly perfect. It’s our life.

This year is the year, however, it seems as though the “we can do this” attitude the siblings had has changed. It has now drifted into into “why CAN’T HE do this?” — a valid question. But, even more so, acknowledging the COVID lockdown we’ve been in for almost a year, it has become “why haven’t you (and, yes, I’m looking right at you, mom) taught him how to do XYZ (toileting, eating, etc.).”

SO here we are. Spreading Autism Awareness. In my own house.

Truthfully though we decided to approach these future questions with the girls because of their own meeting last week about ninth grade and high school careers. Olena had a lot of questions. But the answers I were giving her just weren’t enough. She just kept arguing with me. I love her open mindedness and her ability to question but she’s relentless.

So, explaining this to Theo’s ABA therapist, she decided to reach out and help. She set up a great way to keep the questions anonymous by turning their questions into a Jeopardy-esq trivia game.

I’ve been fretting over this for a week because, let’s face it, I don’t have all the answers. (But my good friend Anxiety sure does… )

Overall, we enjoyed a special dinner (yay for not having to cook for a night) and it started well…until it deteriorated. And the comments got nasty. And the girls (ok girl Olena) started in on each question she submitted…

And I started to block out the comments. It drained me. My own children. I was sad the rest of Friday night and overly sad for most of Saturday. Because this is what I heard, and I’m paraphrasing. My answers which I really didn’t get to elaborate on during the event are in parenthesis:

• Vacations are not enjoyable (what?!)
• We can never go to a restaurant (we do…just haven’t with Theo because COVID)
• He’s annoying (at times)
• Why is he learning about cooking things he doesn’t care about (valid)
• His vocal stims are annoying (ok I hear you)
• How is he going to make money (IDK)
• How is he going to have a job (IDK)
• If he goes residential I may visit him once a month (okay)
• Stop saying we’re triplets (I rarely do now… truth)
• Stop saying you’re spreading Autism Awareness when he does something embarrassing in public (okay but because COVID I haven’t used that line. I maybe used it twice.)
• Why does he do that (IDK)
• Will he ever have a girlfriend (In his mind he has several)

okay

breathe

So, what now?

Good question. Overall, although worded like 13 year olds, they are concerned. That’s a fact. We gave them some good information whether they chose to listen or not. And we reminded them that yes, they are triplets but each has their own skills and things we like about them. They are all unique with their own challenges.

What I really wanted to tell them, but I couldn’t, was this:

I have many friends. I thought I had a best friend, but it turns out that I made so many friends over the years that I can’t claim one person to be the one. All my friends, my family, my husband… all hold keys. They all have a special place in my heart and my life for what they do and what they bring to me.*

The girls will find this out as well, They hold keys for their brother – whether they like it or not. While he may go to Gretchen for assistance when she’s around, he knows that Olena will, in her own way, always make sure someone is doing right for him.

This will never change. And right now they can be angry and mad or apathetic and worried about what their friends might think. Their lives are on the cusp of changing in huge ways. As is Theo’s. But his path will be different. It always is different.

Bottom line is even if I may not agree with their choice of words, we are here for them. And we love them for who they are. And no matter what happens, we’ll all be…okay.

* I can’t claim this concept. I saw it on the web. Probably Pinterest. It’s stuck with me ever since.